tenderness.

I long to write, with no words to say... I wake up, alive, breathing, light from the sun that has risen, yet again, shining on my face. The blessings are many and the downfalls are few. Few as they may be, they still hurt. They still sting. Why is that? How is that fair? Why do the hard things in life drag on for so long. Why are the hurtful things the ones we hang on to?

I wish it was the other way around.

I wish I could focus my mind on only the good things. On God's beautiful creation around me, on my amazing parents, my loving brothers, my wonderful friends. No matter how I may try, my mind wanders back to the crap. The pain. The sadness. Sometimes I wish I couldn't feel.

I wish I could be apathetic.

Apathy instead of empathy. Indifference instead of compassion. What would that trade lead me to become? I don't think I would like myself very much, but I think it would hurt less. I would be stronger when people caused pain in my life. I wouldn't have to care when I saw others hurting. My tears wouldn't fall to my helpless hands wondering why I, or they, deserve it. It would be easier... right?

Maybe, but I wouldn't trade my heart for the world.

No matter the pain I suffer because of my vulnerability.
No matter the tears that fall from my eyes as a result of my empathetic heart.
No matter the frustration that comes from my battle against bitterness.
No matter the wounds others cause by walking on my innocence.

I will remain loving, kind, caring, and compassionate. I will remain the innocent, understanding, and trusting girl that God created me to be.

No matter the tenderness it may cause within my heart. I will remain.

God help me.

Be where you are.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)

There I sat, on my bed... thinking. Have you ever just sat there... thinking? The problem is, I had no thoughts. Was it because I have no thoughts, or was it because I have too many thoughts to choose just one?

When will I graduate...
What will I choose to do...
Will I love what I do...
Where will I live...
Will I have money...
Who will be in my life...
Will I be lonely...
Will I be happy...

The answer? Trust. That is all I continue to hear. Trust.

When will I graduate... trust.
What will I choose to do... trust.
Will I love what I do... trust.
Where will I live... trust.
Will I have money... trust.
Who will be in my life... trust.
Will I be lonely... trust.
Will I be happy... trust.

When we can't figure out the answers to the future right now, all we can do is trust in someone bigger than us. Someone who knows not time, or distance, or measure. He just knows. Trust.